The Hardest Person to Forgive

The Hardest Person to Forgive                             

Lenten Sermon Series – Practices for Better Living, 3

A sermon delivered electronically by Rev. Dr. Randy K. Hammer, Feb. 28, 2021

Matthew 6:9-16; 26:69-75

While working on my doctor of ministry degree, I had three preaching courses.  Well, in case you didn’t know, when you take a seminary or theological school preaching course, each student delivers four or five sermons before the entire class.  And not only is your sermon graded by the preaching professor; it is also critiqued by all your class members.  It can be a humbling experience. 

Well, I had delivered a sermon in one of my preaching classes, and the professor invited comments and feedback from my classmates.  One student let me have it.  In the course of the sermon, I had talked about the need to forgive others who do us wrong.  This particular classmate, who happened to be a female, castigated me for speaking about forgiveness so glibly.  I should be careful in the future, she advised, about telling people they should forgive others who have done them wrong.

Forgiveness, my classmate contended, is a complicated affair, and sometimes forgiving another who has done you great wrong may be nigh impossible and could require years of counseling or therapy.  It turns out that the particular classmate was speaking from the context of a past, very abusive relationship. 

Although a very humbling experience, I got the point, and I have never forgotten that experience and have tried to be more careful about blanket pronouncements on the need to extend forgiveness.   

In spite of the fact that Jesus is recorded as having said that if you do not forgive others, your Father will not forgive you, well, the truth of the matter is forgiveness is just not that easy for most of us.  Forgiving an abusive spouse or an abusive parent for years of emotional and physical abuse that left lasting emotional and perhaps physical scars; forgiving someone for taking the life of a loved one – especially a child – through gun violence, as we have seen in Knoxville these past few weeks; forgiving a Nazi concentration camp guard for violent and inhumane abuses; such experiences likely cannot be forgiven overnight or because one all of a sudden decides to forgive.  There are those situations and there are those people whom we may find it hard to forgive, no matter how hard we may try.

But sometimes the hardest person to forgive may be much closer to home.  I am talking about ourselves.  Sometimes it may be easier to forgive others for the wrongs they commit against us than it is for us to forgive ourselves for the wrongs we have committed against them.  And, oddly enough, despite the fact that there are one-hundred-plus references to some form of the word “forgive” in the Bible—God’s forgiveness for humanity and our need to forgive others—I can’t think of a single reference that specifically speaks of forgiving yourself.  If you find one, let me know.

But I dare say that many of us have made mistakes, had lapses in judgment, have done and said things that hurt others, and if we could go back to live life over again, we would do things differently.  And some of those mistakes, lapses in judgment, and hurtful acts we may still carry around with us like a sack of rotting garbage.  In some cases, others may have forgiven us long ago for the hurt we caused them, but we still haven’t forgiven ourselves. 

We can’t help but wonder how long it took Peter to forgive himself following his denial of Jesus.  Some variation of this interesting story is included in all four gospels; so it must have been considered significant in the early Church.  As the story goes, on the night that Jesus would be arrested, he predicted that all of his inner circle of disciples would fall away and deny knowing him.  Peter brashly replied, “Even if all the rest fall away, I never will. . . Even if I have to die with you, I will never disown you,” Peter exclaimed (Matthew 26:31-35).  Jesus said that before the rooster crowed in the morning, Peter would deny knowing him three times.  After the third denial, the rooster crowed, and it was like a dagger had been jabbed into Peter’s heart as he remembered what Jesus had said.  And it says that Peter ran out “and wept bitterly” over what he had done.  Again, we wonder how long Peter carried that burden with him before he was able to forgive himself.

Now, just as I was warned about speaking glibly about the need to forgive others, I should also restrain myself from speaking glibly about forgiving ourselves.  In some cases, such may also involve the need for counseling or therapy, depending upon the seriousness of the offense committed.  So, understand that I realize that I am not a therapist or counselor.  But it seems to me that a few observations about self-forgiveness could be stated, such as:

All of us are human and somewhat flawed, and all of us are likely to have made some mistakes over the years.

Perhaps before we can forgive others, we need to be able to start forgiving ourselves.  Forgiving ourselves is as important as forgiving others.

If we can make amends for the mistake we made that affected someone else, then perhaps doing so would help in the process of forgiving ourself.

Life is a learn-as-you-go enterprise.  If we learned from our mistake, and are trying to grow to more mature personhood, and have determined to do better in the future, we have taken a crucial step in the right direction.

Poet Maya Angelou said, “I don't know if I continue, even today, always liking myself. But what I learned to do many years ago was to forgive myself. It is very important for every human being to forgive herself or himself because if you live, you will make mistakes - it is inevitable. But once you do and you see the mistake, then you forgive yourself and say, 'Well, if I'd known better I'd have done better,' that's all."   And in another place Angelou said, “You forgive yourself for every failure because you are trying to do the right thing.  God knows that and you know it.”

As my theological school preaching classmate reminded me, forgiveness is not always easy and shouldn’t be approached glibly, and for some that might include self-forgiveness.  But if the season of Lent is about anything, it is about redemption, forgiveness, renewal, a fresh start.  So when it comes to forgiveness, let’s see if we can begin with ourselves.  Amen.